Perimenopause and Sex Drive

Not Hot Enough to Trot

Libido: the desire or interest in sex

Some of us may have had it in abundance in our 20s and 30s. Then, in our 40s, which we've been told was our sexual prime, WHAM, we feel like neutered dogs. If we never had sex again, we have to sadly admit we just wouldn't care.

Some of these feelings may be due to hormonal changes that lead to chronic vaginal pain or infections. Just like puberty and PMS, when hormones shift, physical and emotional changes occur. Intercourse may just plain hurt. However, there can be many additional reasons for a decreased desire during perimenopause. And it can be frustrating for both partners when desire is lacking or response is not what it used to be, which can lead to resentment and even more distance.

There are two kinds of hormones residing in our bodies:

Female hormones are estrogen and progesterone

Male hormones are androgens, including testosterone

We tend to think of testosterone as helping to create hulking he-men, but the truth is, this is the very hormone connected with sex drive. If you think or discover through blood tests that you are deficient in testosterone or other androgens, be sure you are working with a doctor highly experienced in hormone therapy before adding testosterone cream, pills, or injections.

Messing with your hormones is a careful balancing act to ensure you do not create other problems, so be conscious of your decisions regarding hormone therapy.

For some women in midlife, scheduling intimate time with their significant together is effective. With all the factors stressing us out and turning us from the "sex animals" we may have been to mommies and caretakers and ... well ... super [stressed] woman, scheduling a Sunday afternoon with your partner, whether you're in the mood or not, may enhance intimacy once you "turn off" (at least some of) the noise in your head.

A Personal Story

"I'm one of these women who no longer wants sex very much. There's just too much going on with my body. It's like I have PMS most of the time. I'm exhausted and stressed out trying to get everything done in a day. My mood swings make me volatile with my husband, and being annoyed with his very existence hardly makes for desire. He could bring me flowers and diamonds, but when my hormones are bonkers, it's nearly impossible for me to see the glass as half full.

"I tried one of the new libido creams and the menthol just made me feel weird. Tried desire-enhancing pills, but nothing happened, except my chemical sensitivities kicked in. Also tried testosterone cream, but no luck there either.

"What does help is that we schedule every Sunday together. Whether I want sex or not, I am intimate with my husband. No, not as an old-fashioned "do your duty" type event. But because, left to my own devices, I'd create a Great Wall of China between us. And, on top of it, the "Cold War" would surely escalate because my husband would become increasingly resentful with not having sex. Inevitably, we are able to reconnect and bond. And I always feel better afterwards.

"The rest of the week is crazy, but Sunday mornings are a special healing time for my body, mind, and spirit with my husband."

Some Ideas that May Help

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